# The Cottage, The Kiddlecrane and the S.A.S!



## Ditch (May 7, 2009)

This Explore is labelled as #9 in my series. It's probably my all time favourite, to date. And to think we nearly missed it! Now, if ye sitting comfortably ....?

Dean O's the driver, on our missions. That's because I can't drive a motor. Simply never learned to. This probably gives me the edge as the Spotter then? I can scan the surrounding countryside at will, as Dean tries not to get us horribly killed by smacking straight into any spike laden tractors or what have ye.

So, there we are, bowling down some lane in Co. Leitrim, when I yell about a derelict shed, right there on the road side. Anchors on. Doors fly open. In we go and 'Explore 8' is born ~ unfortunately, to become almost a still birth. Ye see, there was really nothing much of interest in this shed. But that's where we were when we spotted the Cottage across the road!

The cottage looked absolutely irresistible! So much so that we forgot the shed ~ I never even got the external shot, in my eagerness! 


Sod The Shed! Look!






It was a bit scary from the very start, to be honest with ye. See, as I might have already mentioned; The people here tend to be Very protective of 'Their Folks' old places. They also tend to build new places, for themselves, close by. Then they leave the old home to rot down naturally. And there was a new home not fifty yards back up the road. Well in view of us and seemingly with someone at home right now!


Dare We?





It had a lock on it. We may have been being observed. But, dear god; This _did_ look like the best cottage so far! So it was the youthful Dean O' suddenly just vaulted the wall in a swift rush of fluid movement. The bugger. I was a bit more painstaking in dragging my dishevelled form over. Making my badness all too easy to notice from up the road! That gave me a sense of urgency. We had to beat the clock on this one.

Door was open, as it happens. Well, 'open'? It was hanging off its bloody hinges, to be honest with ye! But that helped as it made our entrance both smoother and that teentsy bit less inexcusable. In we went! And I started gasping, " Oh, _WOW!!!_ Oh, F*ck!!! " and so on. It Was an absolute _Belter!_

All at once, my heightened senses took in that Here Be Knick Knacks! This was no empty shell! There were Things in here! An old, enamel milk jug;






The Chair ~ in Stereo!






Oh and that _Floor!!!_ Eat ye f*cking hearts out!!!



Genuine Irish Flag Stones!






Then, just as I was thinking it couldn't possibly be any better? My light adjusting eyes found the _Massive_, virtually 'Walk In' fireplace!








Then, as I looked closer, I could only groan out, " Oh My F*cking God!!! Dean O', Look at the Kiddlecrane, mate! It's still got the f*cking _kettle_ hanging on it!!! " People; We were standing in a god damn Time Warp! 



Kiddlecrane And Kettle!






I hastily grabbed a few more shots ~ though I believe Dean's vastly superior camera will have done much of it more justice. I'll let him show ye 


Then it was into the small Parlour, through the typical, Irish Cottage internal door.


Come Into The Parlour!






Admittedly, probably the last place I'd have expected to get the, obligatory, 'Loo Shot'! But, there it is .....



The Loo Shot!








Why do I almost Always seem to find a Tile to photograph in these places? I promise ye, I don't specifically look out for them. And there's usually only the one or two too. This place was no exception.



The Damn Tile!






There was also a fascinating, and rather poignant, certificate on the wall in there. Now, here I know for a fact that Dean O's shot is better. Ye can clearly read every word on his one. He'll be along presently, to show ye.

Meanwhile, I went off to examine the little bedroom, only to find myself met by a wall of the most completely impenetrable, inky blackness!

Not exactly having been born yesterday, I straight away employed the Explorers trusty trick. I thrust my camera into the void. Took a shot and examined it;



I'm Not Going In There Then!






Just Look at the state of the bloody floor! And it Was absolutely pitch black in there too!


Anyway, I don't want to bog this thread down with shots. I've left some more on my PhotoBucket (" Explore 9 ") and shall let Dean O' show ye his 

And it was about then that this sense of urgency over came us both and Dean slipped quickly out the front door. I just hesitated myself, I'd found an old post card just irresistible. Then I too bolted for the door way .....


_*Stay Where You Are!!!*_ I never knew Dean could _be_ so Commanding!  Ye remember Princes Gate? Iranian Embassy Siege? Sim Harris explaining how that S.A.S man popped up near his balcony and barked; " 'Stay Down, Sim!'; _In a voice ye wouldn't argue with._ " . I'd always wondered what that sort of voice must have sounded like. Well, I'd just f*cking heard it! I Froze!

So, there's me, standing, frozen to the spot, in the doorway of someone's dead rellies cottage. I'm separated from my mate. He's out there on the road and has gone all SAS on me. Can only mean one thing, can't it? " Here comes the farmer, with his gun, gun, Gun! " (_Phraaarp!_ Trickle. The material wets.) I'm a f*cking dead man!

There I am, bulging eyes locked on the small gap of brilliant sun shine, visible to me out on the road there. So close. So beautiful. How I yearned to be out there. My mind was in over drive. I knew I had probably only seconds. I tried to imagine the first clash of confrontation. What could I say? What would _He_ say? Would he say Anything? Or would I just eat twelve bore butt?! I was very, _Very_ scared!

The fear turned the seconds to hours. Feverishly glancing round, for any possible means of escape, I even found myself wondering if it Was humanely possible that I might burst straight through that rotten old back door there. Leaving a me shaped hole. Just like on Tom and Jerry. I was just about ready to try!

And, the most agonising bit was, seeing Dean O'. He was out there. I caught glimpses of him walking up and down the road. Seemingly casual. Never once looking toward me. Good man. He was obviously going to try to bluff it. " I'd just been for a pee, chief. Sorry. "

But then something else happened. I was in such abject terror by now that I really don't remember how it went off. But Dean O' must have called me. I remember scrambling back over the wall. And finding just Dean and the motor. His motor. No farmers. No shot guns. What The ....?

As we piled into the sanctuary of that Gorgeous, safe and lovely van, I was jabbering away, asking him what the hell all the SAS style " Stay Where Ye Are!!! " business had been about.

" Oh! " The idiot explained, breezily; " I was just framing up for a last photo. ~~~~~ Here, what's that smell?! Have you f*cking ...._You* Dirty* Old ....!_ " 

Drive, Dean. Just get us Out of here ....!


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## limpet (May 7, 2009)

Brilliant Ditch!!  That has to be one of your best posts ever. Laughing my head off there. Perhaps where a nappie next time ye go out on another excursion 

Great photos by the way. Cool to see it so intact.


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## jonney (May 7, 2009)

Nice one there Ditch felt like I was there with you. You should write a book mate


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## Seahorse (May 7, 2009)

Out... flamin... standing.

And ye'e done yesrselves pround with the chairs too, I see.


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## Foxylady (May 7, 2009)

Excellent stuff! Your story had me enthralled. 
Loving the cottage too...some gorgeous things left there...brill pics.


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## simaving (May 7, 2009)

*The cottage*

Absolutely top shelf mate loving it ha ha


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## Gangeox (May 7, 2009)

First class stuff ditch, the place is great and the story was too.


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## Dean O (May 7, 2009)

Okay here is the pic of the cert we sore.

If you click to see full pic and zoom in you can read what it say's.





and this is the pic i took when i said to Ditch Stay Where You Are!!! 






Here are some more pic for you all to see.

An old pad lock.





Some old rope and some dog leads and some other stuff.





This is the door we went thou





Here is Ditch again leaving nothing but foot print's, and taking nothing but pictures. 



​


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## limpet (May 7, 2009)

Great photos Dean. 1928! The cert is in good condition as well. amazing! 
Ditch your kitted out for the weather. Good photo


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## fluffy5518 (May 8, 2009)

Nice one Ditch !!!
Was on the edge of me seat reading that !!! Thought it was gonna be a ghost story !!! great write up mate,if you ever publish a book i'll be your first customer.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## daddybear (May 8, 2009)

excellent report an a great story to boot.keep up the good work ditch ye had me on the edge of my chair just then.love it


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## Ditch (May 9, 2009)

Just like to Thank _You_ people for ye kind comments, above.

However, as ye boss just said, Here; " The confrontational tone of your posts isn't really welcome here, whether it's meant as a piss take or not. It gets a bit tedious when it's every post you make. "

Well, I guess so does anyone expecting me to roll over and piss on my own belly, when openly goaded 

It's been a real pleasure meeting a good many of ye. But ..... well; I'll be moving on.


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## Dean O (May 10, 2009)

* BYE FROM ME AS WELL.:yes:*​


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## skittles (May 10, 2009)

So funny

Where is the last shot then?


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